Well, it's been quite a long time since I've been on here or posted....since 9/19/11. Hard to believe it's been almost 2 years. Lots of things have happened to me over this almost 2 year gap dear readers. Worst of these things is that my weight has skyrocketed. I'm larger now than I have ever been and it's the only thing in my life that is making me feel shitty right now. I sweat every time I seem to move or do anything...I'm out of breath as well a lot....my back is consistently fucked up(I'm on some pain medication for it which should tell you HOW bad it got).....I've just sunk deeper into that hole and it sucks. It sucks really bad.
Last night I went with my girlfriend(yes, I have a girlfriend! I'll talk more about in a later post...she's WONDERFUL!) to St. Louis to see Kevin Smith at The Pageant Theater. The seats were narrow as heck in the section we were in and there was absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I was going to be able to sit in them. Luckily we were able to move to a different area but it made me feel pretty bad for a little bit. It's just something hard to deal with. Those things have been coming up more and more often here lately and I'm fed up with it. The inability to do some things is terrible but the fear before it of any number of things is terrible as well.
The folks at Toastmasters keep asking me to come back. I haven't given a speech in over a year. The true reason I haven't is because getting up in front of those people and sweating like a pig on a spit is a very real fear for me. I want to be able to move and talk and make gestures and do all the things I need to do to make a good speech but I'm afraid of the beads of sweat on my forehead, my arms, my hands....that moment of moving and seeing that bead of sweat come unattached from the end of a finder and hang in the air as it travels towards some fellow Toastmaster. I can't deal with that and it keeps me away. I don't feel right going just to go and never giving a speech so I've basically not gone, with 2 exceptions, over the past 15-16 months.
I know I just need to start. I need to get started, that's the hardest damn part. And with my back and how it affects me and my legs, walking is a difficult thing right now. I also can't seem to 100% shake some tendinitis in my right elbow/forearm which prevents me from doing some things from the pain and weakness. These aren't good excuses though for my uncontrolled eating though and that's the first thing I need to work on. So I'm going to be working on that first while easing into some type of workout routine which won't kill me or make my recovery from the back or elbow any more problematic.
My goal is to once again update the blog every night though, good or bad. This really helped me out when I first started the blog...when I stopped posting, things went to shit.....doesn't take a genius to connect those dots. I'll be weighing in every Monday morning again and updating my progress as this goes along. Everything starts back at 0. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Wow, this post has been all over the damn place, hasn't it? Here's to also hoping my thoughts get more coherent as time goes by!!!