Monday, March 21, 2011

A Few Moments....A Few Truths

The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me. I thought I could really handle eating a little bit more for a few days to put on a couple of pounds for the beginning of this "Biggest Winners" contest at Horace Mann. Boy, I was wrong! I had been behaving myself soooooo well for such a long time that cracking the door a little bit turned out to be an extremely dangerous thing.

For one week, I ate a little bit more than normal but still kept things pretty much under control. I felt bad from eating that extra food but I could live with it. That's a made me feel horrible. I would come home and lay down and do really nothing. My stomach was always kinda messed up, I couldn't sleep very well although I was always tired. BUT...I JUST KEPT DOING IT!!

Then I found out the weigh-in for this contest was at the end of last week, not the beginning and I came on here and basically said, "I'm not doing anything bad anymore, things are A-OK!" Too bad my fingers typed that but my brain didn't react that way. That night I stopped at Little Caesar's and got a pizza and some Italian Cheese Bread...and ate all of it that night. Tuesday night I got some McDonald's, Wednesday night I got Taco Bell. Thursday night I just picked up some miscellaneous stuff from the grocery store. Also, on Tuesday for lunch we had pizza provided by Horace Mann. This also doesn't do justice to all the miscellaneous extra things I was eating at home at night.

Soooooooo, in one week, I had pizza multiple times, fast food multiple times and some other assorted junk. I did find out a couple of things about my reactions to all of this junk food....
1) McDonald's is NOWHERE near as good as I remember...the fries just were bad to me;
2) Pizza can still a problem; and
3) Taco Bell was still delicious but my gastrointestinal processes suffer greatly.

One part of my brain kept telling me that doing all of this was wrong and I KNEW it was wrong to be eating it. The problem was that for those two weeks, I just didn't care. It made me feel horrible and depressed and like a loser and just alone. I didn't come on here because I didn't have much to say and I was ashamed of what I was doing.

There I was on Friday morning weighing in for this contest and when I saw that I had gained back about another 6 pounds from all of this junk...I just wanted to cry. Yep, I wanted to cry because here I was, not treating myself well, not loving myself enough to do the right thing, not being strong enough to say 'NO' to myself no matter how bad I felt. It's the lowest point I've been at since before I started this journey.

Whenever I've lost weight before, this was about the time that I would quit. I would quit on the plan, quit on all the goodness, quit on myself. I don't know why that switch flips and it's something I need to deal with and will probably be dealing with the rest of my life but that switch started to go....was about halfway to off and more 60%-40% in the wrong direction.

But standing there on the scale and getting off and eating breakfast on Friday morning, I realized I couldn't quit. I couldn't let go this time. I've come too far, done too much and just wanted it too much to just let it slip away. Not this time. There are bumps in any road worth taking and this was a big one for me. But that's all it was/is, f'in bump. I like how I'm looking, I like how I feel, I like being happier and having a smile on my face. I like not feeling like a failure, I like not crawling into a shell and hiding myself from the world. I like holding my head up high and being proud of the person I am and what I've done. I love myself and respect myself enough to carry on and keep an eye on the future while still keeping an eye on my past and watching out for pitfalls that have befallen me in the past.

I've quit on myself before....I'm not going to do it again. History does not have to repeat itself. I'm stronger and more reselient than I have been before and this will help me into the future. This is MY life and I'm finally really ready for it to be better. These are MY moments, these are MY truths.


JenMarie said...

Hang in there and KEEP on keepin' on!! Think of all of us 'out here' with you as our inspiration...Go Brad Go! :)

Brad said...

Thanks guys! I'm hanging in there and doing the best that I can. I'm thinking about you guys too and hoping that everything is going well for you two. It's definitely a hard battle though but if we all support each other, it just makes that burden a little bit easier to carry.

Jason said...

It was amazing to read this with such a strong sense of familiarity. I feel for you, but at the same time I know you're determined and stubborn enough to plow through and come out the other side even better for it. Keep at it. I'm in a somewhat similar place right now, up about 10 pounds over where I had gotten to. That's not a ton, but it's enough to notice in a few different ways other than simply what the scale reads. I'm not looking forward to MY Monday morning weigh-in, but hopefully this week I'll be able to get back to some of my normal routine. But hang in there. You've seen enough success to where you now have a completely different mindset and resolve about this whole thing, and I know that it's just a matter doing it.